Random Chick…This is Me

I have a ton of things going on and a ton of things I should write about here and since lately I have problems a) focusing and b) staying on task, I’m going to just throw it all out.

What I Hate About My Life

I’m a single mother and I work a lot.

What I Love About My Life

I’m a single mother and I work a lot.

Now that we have that out of the way…

That Which I Absolutely Adore

My daughter. She made me. I love me because of her and I didn’t always love me. If there’s anything amazing about me it is because of her. Seriously.

I also adore eating out, which by the way makes me a bit of an anomaly here in rural america. I’ve been told by a number of dinner dates that they don’t usually do “this”. What? You don’t eat? No, apparently dating here does not consist of eating out. Not quite sure what a date is but I’ve filed that in the “impossible to get over” file along with the fact that I live in an area where 85% of the men and 80% of the women refuse to let go of the mullet. Yes, I do think I’m on an episode of Punk’d at least 4 days a week.

Making Friends With Other Random Chicks

As I grow older, it gets harder and harder to make friends with other women. I’m not stuck up. I’d literally be friends with a 70 year old woman if she was down and could drive us to the bar once in a while. I think a lot of it has to do with my age. Most women are friends with women they’ve known since preschool, I am an outsider. I don’t attract women in that way, yet for some reason have no problem attracting guys that want to be BFFs. The only thing I attract from women is the ol’ stink eye and depending upon my mood, this can be either funny or end up pissing me off. I need female friends.

Being Asian in Rural America

Never in my life have I been asked as much about karate and kung fu as I have since I moved here. And believe me, it’s simply ignorance, no maliciousness intended. These people actually think at night I might be a ninja. I have had personal conversations with strangers about their kids from China. I have a picture of a man’s granddaughter because “he wanted me to have it in case I knew her.” People ask me if I know the other asian people where I live—and no I don’t. Far as I know I’m the only one besides the family that owns the China Buffet and the nail salon. Maybe they’re the ones everyone’s referring to.

I should be used to it. I grew up with a white family, but they know I’m not ninja like at all. Until around the age of 30, I wished I was really part of that family. Like wished I was white kind of wishing. I also wished I was black, Puerto Rican and Mexican before, so that was me then. At this point though, I would never wish for anything other than who I am. Did I tell you I love me?

Secrets I Can’t Tell…Yet

I have secrets inside of me that are dying to get out but to tell would be risking a whole lot. In this instance the pain of knowing something and knowing I can’t stop it is worth enduring in order to save my own ass. That’s the problem with secrets, they eat us up like carnivorous worms and if you tell they actually devour your soul. Okay. Dramatic. But, I pray inside that things work themselves out like they always have. They always have. So if you ask me if I’ll keep a secret, forgive me if I cringe and run away screaming.

Secrets I Can Tell

I’m terrified of making mistakes. I’m deathly afraid of being a bad mom, of messing up more than I already have, of not using the gift of parenthood wisely. They say to trust your kids and I try, but in the end it’s my responsibility to do everything I can to ensure that she grows up into a responsible, productive adult. Me. The person that can’t even be trusted to get the garbage out on the right day or sends a crazy hat to school with her kid every day of the week because she can’t remember which day is Crazy Hat Day. You’d be afraid too, wouldn’t you?

If I Could Pick an Eternal Age

I’d pick now. This life thing is working out, in spite of what a mess it’s been in the past. I struggle with many unspeakable and personal demons but at the end of the day I wouldn’t change a thing. Other than making more money and I’m working on that too. Ask people you know and ask yourself, and most will say their teens, or their twenties. At 36 I can honestly say things are practically perfect, and no I’m not just putting on my Pollyanna face. My life rocks.

Single Mother Dating

I haven’t said anything about dates or dating in never and I think it’s going to be even longer then never after being scared shitless recently that my ex was stalking me. I’ve learned something valuable from that episode and believe it or not, it’s nothing as deep and meaningful as it should be. If you blog about dating and men, don’t tell the guy you’re dating. He will inevitably read the blog, get mad, comment, and then get mad because his comment isn’t approved. Valuable lesson.

And just in case you’re wondering, no I am not dating (that’s directed directly to my ex too, by the way) at least not in any way that would be interesting enough to write about.

And Speaking of Men

Honestly, I’m not looking for smokin hot. I’m not looking for billionaire or even genius. I’m looking for simple. Simple meaning things are what they are, a man that says what he wants and isn’t disappointed because I didn’t read his mind, a man that can move me with a 10 character text message, a man that laughs at everyone else…with me.

So take me someplace with food I’ve never eaten before. Entertain me with really interesting conversation filled with things I’ve never heard. Make me forget that my daughter is with a sitter while I get to know you. Be worth my time.

And that’s it. In all of its rambling randomness. This is me.