The F Bomb and Bad Influences

You would think that I’d have no problem with the F Bomb but as you’ve probably noticed I don’t use it. I am kind of in F Bomb rehab. Believe it or not, there was a time when although I never threw it around willy nilly, I did bring it out on very special occasions.  The F Bomb is one word that can mean the difference between appearing downright psycho (when yelling) or just trashy as a barefooted trailer park chick on a Cops episode. I only ever wanted to appear psycho.

Last year, when my daughter was an innocent and adorable Kindergartener, I received a phone call at work from her teacher.

“Just wanted to let you know that C will be bringing home a red slip today.”

Oh dear, my heart stopped. After all, red slip means bad news. Usually in my daughter’s case it meant she wouldn’t stop talking when warned repeatedly.

Me:  ”I apologize. What did she do?”

Teacher: “Well, another teacher heard her say the “F” word.”

Me:  ”F word. What do you mean?” (I was seriously thinking fart. No lie.)

Teacher:  ”You know. The “F” word. I should add that another student was heard telling her to say it, but she still said it so I had to give her a red slip.”

Oh wait. That F word. I died.

Me:  ”OMG. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know where she would’ve heard such a thing. It’s just her and I. I don’t even have cable…”

Teacher:  ”No, no. It’s okay. I just wanted to let you know.”

Somewhere the call ended and I sat at my desk imagining all of the people I was going to kill (including my daughter). Where did she hear the F Bomb? Was it Grandma? Grandpa? My Crazy Ex? Someone was in a shit load of trouble.

I picked my daughter up from school and immediately asked her why she said a bad word at school.

Her:  ”B told me to. I said no but he kept telling me to say it so I said it.”

Here of course is where we have the convo about blaming other people for our own bad behavior and doing things that we know are wrong because someone else told us to. I don’t care who told you to say what. By the way, this rule applies to myself and other grown ups as well. I have no patience for excuses that are reliant upon blaming other people, the government, our bad childhoods, our parents, our schools. Whatever. I do what I do because of me and so do a lot of you.

Anyway, I finally asked her the most important question of the day. Who is the dirty, rotten, classless, heathen that you heard this word come from?

Her:  ”You said it, Mommy.”

Me:  ”What? No I didn’t. Are you sure?”

Her:  ”Yes. I heard you say it.”

I died again. I can’t be 100% positive that I never said it and if I’m going to call my daughter a liar, I would have to be. I apologized because I believed her.

Then I made her cross her heart and hope to die  that she’d never tell anyone she got it from me. (No I didn’t.) She had to apologize to the teachers and anyone at school that heard her say it, but everything is all good now. Thankfully, she did not turn into a serial killer or start harming little bunnies. The Kindergarten F Bomb dilemma is so far behind us that I only remembered it today when it was suggested for the blog post.

But this is why I don’t use it anymore in speaking. However, I did not just quit cold turkey. EFFFF YOU and WTF statuses online are perfectly fair and square. In fact, I think I text WTF at least once daily. This won’t stop my daughter from hearing it or saying it but if I ever have to ask her again where she heard it from, it will not be me.

I hope anyway. Otherwise I quit saying it for no reason.