First Edition of “Guess Who Asked Me Out?”

Call me.

Decided I’m going to start a “Guess Who Asked Me Out” series because I have a ton of stories to share. Not really a ton but maybe a couple, which means this series may consist of two posts. Anyway on to Part 1 of possibly two editions…

The other day I’m sitting in my office and I hear an elderly woman out in the waiting area. I know who it is. Usually said elderly lady is rather craggy and abrasive so I had specifically made up my mind to not piss her off. (As opposed of course to making up my mind to purposely piss someone off, which I sometimes do.)

I decided against angering elderly lady because there is nothing worse than an 80 year old woman cussing you out. For one, what are you going to do? Kick her in the groin? That’s sick. For two, most of the time the argument is completely unreasonable so you’re not going to win anyway.

There are no winners in a Why the Hell are There No Whoppers contest if you’re sitting in a McDonalds.

Furthermore, I tend to allow elderly people to say what they want and then after they leave, I fantasize about the day when I’m old enough to cuss people out without reason or explanation. This fantasy also includes standing on my porch and randomly chucking rocks at innocent children passing by. I even have a script prepared for myself which I will blog about one day in case I forget what to say later.

Anyway, Ms. Me in the Future starts asking Me in the Present where I’m from and starts chatting about China and Japan, etc etc. I answer politely while making copies with an occasional “really?” and “Well that’s nice” all while wondering how to conclude the conversation politely so I can make a break back to my office. I know she’s going to start cussing. I just know it. Then, she kind of murmurs something that I thought I heard but had somehow convinced myself I had heard wrong.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

She puts her hand next to her mouth to form half of a megaphone and yells clear across the lobby area,

“YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SHAPE!”

She’s totally hitting on me now. I don’t know. There’s the whole Winter/Summer, Earthquake/Tornado thing. She probably cooks pretty well…I don’t know. I don’t know. Should I?

Then, she asked me if I knew these women her relatives adopted from North Korea…that live in an entirely different state. As in, do I hang out with them because I have to know every Korean in the country or I’m just a big looozer with a beautiful shape. Totally awkward conversation from that point on and I’m pretty sure I lost some points with her because I didn’t know these girls she talked about it.

I don’t date often and I don’t pick up on hints very well, but I’m pretty sure if you’re checking my shape you want to hang out. And if you want me to be part of your family, you probably want to get married.

I know some of you haters are saying “she totally didn’t ask you out, nerd”. Tomato—toe mah toe. Someone did ask me out one time and I’ll tell you about it in the next edition of Guess Who Asked Me Out.

Stay tuned.