Dear Mattel: 10 Barbies Realer Than Bald Barbie
If you’re friends with me on FaceBook- and you totally should be – because I rock the FaceBook when I’m not rocking the Twitter- you know how I feel about the movement to make a bald Barbie. Long story short, I’m anti Bald Barbie. Pushing out an entire line of cancer barbies and thus making money off of kids and families with cancer, is in my opinion, bad business.
Neither here nor there, but I have way better ideas for Barbies if Mattel wants to give us something we can identify with. Because as you already know, the Barbie doll has a long history of donning a realistic appearance and healthy body image. I mean, so realistic, that there wasn’t even an unrealistic African American Barbie until around 1967 and an Asian Barbie until the 80s– even then I think she came with a karate suit 1 and I don’t know one single Asian person that knows karate.
Anyway, here are the top 10 Barbies that would better represent real people:
1. Obese Barbie – One in three Americans are obese, which means there are a lot of obese people that don’t have a Barbie to identify with. Obese Barbie can include a bunch of McDonald’s coupons and a big tub of ice cream. She can also wear that shirt that says “I’m not fat I’m big boned” and carry a purse with a sandwich in it.
2. Anorexic Barbie – is similar to 90% of all Barbie dolls currently on the market, except most anorexics don’t have gigantic funbags. Take off the rack and make her flat chested and you have Anorexic Barbie.
3. Alcoholic Barbie –Alcoholic Barbie comes with a fifth of Jack Daniels (not real Jack Daniels, it’s a kid’s toy for facks sake). She also yells “BEER ME” often. Mattel could also partner up with AA and make a shit load of cash on all of the recovering alcoholics that want to give their kids souvenirs from their alcoholic days.
4. OCD Barbie – includes a bathroom caddy of bleach, plastic gloves and other cleaning supplies. OCD Barbie has bags under her eyes and peeling and cracked hands from staying up all night scrubbing each tile of the bathroom floor over and over again. Accessories like dirty toothbrushes sold separately.
5. Meth Head Barbie – She will obviously have a bunch of oozing sores on her face, which can easily be created by stabbing Barbie’s face with a scissor. Her eyes of course should be really open and round. Now that I think about it, when I was a child our dog chewed up one of my Barbies and it kind of looked like how I would imagine Meth Head Barbie would look.
6. Skankified Barbie – oh wait, we already have those. They’re called Bratz dolls.
7. Welfare Barbie – There already exists Barbies with different professions; flight attendant Barbie, rock star Barbie, and surfer Barbie (dude, that’s a job in some places), unemployed women are sorely underrepresented. Welfare Barbie includes plaid pajama pants , a dirty tee shirt and an EBT card, as well as house shoes and filthy feet.
8. Diseased and Afflicted Barbie – Bald Barbie is supposed to represent people with cancer, so I figure if we do that we’ll need to have a Barbie for all cancers, diseases and disorders. What about Colon Cancer Barbie which comes with her own colostomy bag or Eczema Barbie which has patches of scaly and red skin all over her face?
9. Elderly Barbie – Why aren’t there any grandma and grandpa Barbies and why in the Hell is there even a Barbie RV if there aren’t any elderly Barbies?
You’re thinking I’m a bitch aren’t you.
10. Bitchery Barbie – she blogs about stuff that sometimes makes people mad but deep down just wants to bring attention to her mustache.
Bitchery Barbie aka Mustache Girl
Get at me Mattel, there’s a lot more where this came from. Stay tuned for my Ken doll ideas which include Manboobs Ken and No Spine Ken.
What kinds of Barbies would you identify with? And what do you think about Bald Barbie?
- Unsourced because I made that up. ↩
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32 Responses to Dear Mattel: 10 Barbies Realer Than Bald Barbie
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Bahahahaha! I love it. And no reference to Wal-Mart in the entire piece, impressive. Well you already know my ideas: Teen pregnancy barbie, Smoking Barbie with Oxygen tank, Drop-out Barbie and Rehab Barbie. The Ken dolls are spot on!
But I think I really only identify with Mustache Girl because I’m the Cheese Queen.
Bitchery Skipper recently posted..Alright Bloggers, I’m ASKING For Advice, And I Know You Want To Give It!
Snort…Bitchery Skipper. Yeah, teen pregnancy barbie is totally something kids need to identify with.
Teen pregnancy barbie includes condoms and her own reality show…duh.
They seriously want to do a bald Barbie? Obviously I’m seriously behind on my Barbie news. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. If the proceeds went TO cancer (like the cancer care bears) that might be one thing…. but I doubt that’s the plan.
Ciara Ballintyne recently posted..Six Sentence Sunday: Kain 2
Yeah, someone wants them to. I suppose I can’t say much since I am neither a child with cancer nor have ever had cancer. Just seems there are better ways to help.
Ha Ha ! Hilarious !! Love this ! Obese and anorexic are my favs I think ! would definately buy them ! Absalute fav is no 10 Bitchery Barbie ! you need to mail this to the barbie guys srisly
sunithi recently posted..Defy Gravity ! Easy Tips To Boost Your Metabolism
I hope you’re joking.
Kids love doll accessories, Welfare Barbie needs a leash/harness to contain her wild offspring.
What’s that blue thingy between your legs in the photo?
Beard recently posted..A Year
I don’t know. That whole picture is weird. I think my mom was fixing the wall behind me and she took this. Was for a modeling agency believe it or not. Pretty sure they appreciated how professional it is.
A mustache model photo shoot?
Beard recently posted..A Year
Yeah. For some reason I didn’t get the job. I think they wanted a chick with a mustache AND a beard.
Why does Barbie have to always be all stereotypical? Girls can be serial killers too, you know. Or gang bangers and drug dealers. They need to know it’s OK to reach for those things that have until now been reserved for boys. I say, Gang Bangin’ Barbie is the way to go.
Barmy Rootstock recently posted..It’s not my fault that you take no responsibility
Going with Gang Bangin Barbie and Drug Dealin Skipper. What do you think of that, Lederhosen Ken?
I’m with Bitchery Skipper up there. We need a 16 and pregnant Barbie for sure.
Romon Easterling recently posted..Santa Can You Take This SH%! Back!
yeah except its gonna be hard to make her 16 with that rack.
I submit for your enjoyment, pregnant Barbie!
http://www.amazon.com/Barbie-Happy-Family-Pregnant-Midge/dp/B000083E0C/ref=pd_sim_sbs_t_3\
I seem to remember Mattel being quite intentional in her wearing a ring though, so we still need unwed preggers barbie. Big dreams!
yeah. With a bunch of baby daddies. thanks for stopping by, Courtney.
Gawd, did you see the price tag on that thing? Yowza!
Redneck Barbie — comes with rifle, big muddy boots, and gaptooth grin. Battered ’78 Chevy pickup and carcasses sold separately.
Marjorie McAtee recently posted..Fun Friday Facts #24: Friday the 13th Edition
Mom Blogger barbie… w/ starbucks cup, laptop, smart phone, a Pinterest addiction and a whole selection of yoga pants to choose from…
Evin Cooper recently posted..My Pinteresting #mealplan ..
hmmm…sounds a lot like me actually.
I disagree with Bald Barbie, because it’s a profit scheme and is exploiting the cause. Were I to add to this list, I’d say “Hooker Barbie” complete with pimp, or if they’re in Nevada, fully furnished Bunny Ranch set-up included.
It is to me also. Just give the money to the Cancer Society or something. Stop buying trinkets.
My doll idea – Social Media Addict Sam. He’s always green in Facebook or always hanging out in G+.
Saul Fleischman @working on a move to SanFran recently posted..Gamification: Motivation and Engagement
aka Saul Barbie.
Haha!…Couldn’t help it.
Amberr Meadows recently posted..Freedom #Music, Shorty Award in #Blogger, and MLK Day
I would love a life sized OCD Barbie to come and help me clean the house!
Probably better to get a housekeeper instead. Skip the crying and freaking out because you didn’t put a fork back right.
“Crazy as a run over cat” Barbie. That’s the ticket.
Chopperpapa recently posted..I’m a single dad, not a child molester
WTH kinda Barbie is that. You’re a sick man, Chopper.
I personally would love to see the Prison Hottie Barbie. She’s any of the above Barbies with enough self esteem lacking that she finds, dates (somehow) and marries men in prisons because she’s looking for love in all the right places (not to find them).
Lauryn Doll recently posted..Thanks to Bruce Leroy, My ButterBottom Feels Soft to the Touch
hahah…yeah the barbie that only dates guys on death row.
I’m all for varying the Barbie!! Never been a Barbie lover myself but the granny babrie and obese barbie are a great idea!! Anything thats a true representation of what real people are like is a good idea!
Emma recently posted..Smell The Coffee – Morning Sickness