Dear Mattel: 10 Barbies Realer Than Bald Barbie

If you’re friends with me on FaceBook- and you totally should be – because I rock the FaceBook when I’m not rocking the Twitter- you know how I feel about the movement to make a bald Barbie. Long story short, I’m anti Bald Barbie. Pushing out an entire line of cancer barbies and thus making money off of kids and families with cancer, is in my opinion, bad business.

Neither here nor there, but I have way better ideas for Barbies if Mattel wants to give us something we can identify with. Because as you already know, the Barbie doll has a long history of donning a realistic appearance and healthy body image. I mean, so realistic, that there wasn’t even an unrealistic African American Barbie until around 1967 and an Asian Barbie until the 80s– even then I think she came with a karate suit ¹ and I don’t know one single Asian person that knows karate.

Anyway, here are the top 10 Barbies that would better represent real people:

1.  Obese Barbie – One in three Americans are obese, which means there are a lot of obese people that don’t have a Barbie to identify with. Obese Barbie can include a bunch of McDonald’s coupons and a big tub of ice cream. She can also wear that shirt that says “I’m not fat I’m big boned” and carry a purse with a sandwich in it.

2.  Anorexic Barbie – is similar to 90% of all Barbie dolls currently on the market, except most anorexics don’t have gigantic funbags. Take off the rack and make her flat chested and you have Anorexic Barbie.

3.  Alcoholic Barbie –Alcoholic Barbie comes with a fifth of Jack Daniels (not real Jack Daniels, it’s a kid’s toy for facks sake).  She also yells “BEER ME” often. Mattel could also partner up with AA and make a shit load of cash on all of the recovering alcoholics that want to give their kids souvenirs from their alcoholic days.

4.  OCD Barbie – includes a bathroom caddy of bleach, plastic gloves and other cleaning supplies. OCD Barbie has bags under her eyes and peeling and cracked hands from staying up all night scrubbing each tile of the bathroom floor over and over again. Accessories like dirty toothbrushes sold separately.

5.  Meth Head Barbie – She will obviously have a bunch of oozing sores on her face, which can easily be created by stabbing Barbie’s face with a scissor. Her eyes of course should be really open and round.  Now that I think about it, when I was a child our dog chewed up one of my Barbies and it kind of looked like how I would imagine Meth Head Barbie would look.

6.  Skankified Barbie – oh wait, we already have those. They’re called Bratz dolls.

7.  Welfare Barbie – There already exists Barbies with different professions; flight attendant Barbie, rock star Barbie, and surfer Barbie (dude, that’s a job in some places), unemployed women are sorely underrepresented. Welfare Barbie includes plaid pajama pants , a dirty tee shirt and an EBT card, as well as house shoes and filthy feet.

8.  Diseased and Afflicted Barbie – Bald Barbie is supposed to represent people with cancer, so I figure if we do that we’ll need to have a Barbie for all cancers, diseases and disorders. What about Colon Cancer Barbie which comes with her own colostomy bag or Eczema Barbie which has patches of scaly and red skin all over her face?

9.  Elderly Barbie – Why aren’t there any grandma and grandpa Barbies and why in the Hell is there even a Barbie RV if there aren’t any elderly Barbies?

You’re thinking I’m a bitch aren’t you.

10.  Bitchery Barbie – she blogs about stuff that sometimes makes people mad but deep down just wants to bring attention to her mustache.

Bitchery Barbie aka Mustache Girl

Get at me Mattel, there’s a lot more where this came from. Stay tuned for my Ken doll ideas which include Manboobs Ken and No Spine Ken.

What kinds of Barbies would you identify with? And what do you think about Bald Barbie?