5 Reasons Beauty and the Beast Is the Wackest Disney Movie Ever

This weekend I had a small break and decided to take the kid to the movies. Of course, luck would have it that the only kid-friendly movie playing was Beauty and the Beast 3D.  I’m not generally a fan of Disney princess stuff but I haven’t actually banned it from viewing. I mean, we already don’t have cable or satellite. I’m not prepared yet to go all out Amish.

Anyway, besides Disney’s version of Pocahontas, (which in all actuality was the story of an American Indian child who undergoes molestation, rape and kidnapping by English settlers), Beauty and the Beast is the all time scariest, creepiest and just wrong-est Disney story of all time.

1.  The Male Characters Are ALL Obsessive Nut Cases

We’ll get to the crazy Beast in a minute, but even Belle’s father is supposedly crazy. In addition to those two, the studliest man of the town and village idiot, Gaston, is determined to force Belle into marrying him. He pursues her relentlessly after she tells him no numerous times, he stalks her, busts into her house and tries to force her to marry him by having her father picked up by the Loony Asylum. Not to mention chasing her around town with insults such as “women shouldn’t read”, while he becomes dreamy eyed upon reflection of his antler collection.

2.  The Beast Is Crazy and His Friends Are Dumb

The Beast was cursed with ugliness when he was younger, for not helping an ugly old beggar lady. This apparently made him crazy also. When Belle’s dad gets lost in the woods and wanders into the castle, the crazy Beast throws him into his dungeon to die for no reason. Apparently upon entering the castle, it did not occur to the talking teapot, candlestick, and clock to tell the guy to leave the castle before the crazy Beast found him. Que sera, que sera, I’m a singing candlestick. Be our guest, be our guest.

3.  Angela Lansbury Is Too Old to Have a 6 Year Old Kid

Angela Lansbury is the voice of the talking teapot, the mother of a child teacup named Chip, who I’ve decided on my own may be around 6 years old. Here are the creepy areas: 1) She had an entire cupboard full of kids (looked like hundreds) but only Chip ever gets to hang out. 2) the Teapot’s voice is approximately 80 years old, which to me is at least 30 years too old to have a 6 year old kid.

4.  You Can’t Force People to Love You By Holding Them Hostage. Unless You’re In a Disney Movie.

In order for the Beast to release Belle’s father from the dungeon, she has to promise to stay with him in the castle forever. The Beast also demands that she join him for dinner (like a date) and asks the furniture advice on how to make Belle like him (like a date). No one once mentions that holding a person hostage for whatever reason, is probably wrong.

Belle ends up running out and is almost eaten by wolves. But since the Beast must retrieve her and bring the hostage back to the castle, he ends up rescuing her in the nick of time. Maybe cray cray could’ve used his big scary beastness to escort her back home to the father he also almost killed. But, since the Beast saved her (and is injured in doing so), Belle returns to the castle and eventually figures out she likes him.  All I’m going to say is Stockholm Syndrome.

How to Stockholm Syndrome Someone You Love

5.  Spoiler Alert: The Beast Turns Into Fabio

In the end, the spell is broken because Belle and the Beast love each other. Not to point out the obvious, but the Beast is basically an animal and not a “man, you’re a sexy animal” kind of animal, but a half lion, half monster kind of animal, and Belle loves him anyway. BUT then, the Beast ends up morphing into Fabio, and guess what? Belle still loves his ass.

I’m sorry, but if the premise of the story is that you should love people regardless of how they look, you can’t make the ugly person morph into something that is supposedly handsome. In real life, this is highly unlikely, so if you love an ugly person, be prepared for them to be ugly forever. Not only that, but Fabio is kind of weird to me as well so the whole morphing scene ended up being awkward and confusing.

And then that fool turned into Fabio...

I have no idea what the moral of  Beauty and the Beast is, except that Creepy Always Wins. Over and over again.

Is it just me or is this story messed up?