Stupid List Friday #1: 5 Reasons I Won’t Chew My Arm Off

Within the blogosphere there are trends, and right now most blogs have some kind of weekly series, ie Music Monday, Wordless Wednesday, Friday Food Day, etc etc.

And so, I’ve decided to do Stupid List Friday. Pretty self explanatory and direct, I think. And the best part about Stupid List Friday is no fact checking is required and no sources are needed. Hell, the list doesn’t even have to make sense. It’s a stupid list.

Stupid List Friday #1: 5 Reasons I Won’t Chew My Arm Off

1.  My Save the Wolves Campaign

If I ever needed my arm chewed off I should either jump into the wolf pen at the zoo or sit in one of the many local farmers’ fields and wait for a full moon. Otherwise, wolves have no real purpose and by chewing off my own arm I am only contributing to their eventual extinction.

In fact, if you tweet this post every day or like my Facebook Page, you will be helping me save the wolves. ¹

2.  Chicken-ing Requires Two Functional Arms

Its hard to do the funky chicken with one arm. It’s doable, just as swimming with one arm is doable, but not quite right. As many one armed people will tell you, it’s not quite a full on funky chicken with one arm. Furthermore, if you plan on doing the “I feel like chicken tonight” dance, you also need two arms. Most chicken actions will require both arms.

3.   So Does Elbowing. Kinda.

When I am old, I will no doubt need to elbow my daughter. If I have only one arm, I will either have to make sure she always sits on the side that has an elbow, or jab her with the remnants of whatever is left after I have chewed it off.  There’s a good chance she’ll figure this out and sit on the safe side, much like naughty children that stick their tongues out at blind people.

And also more armpit hair.

4.  Chewing Off One’s Arm is Gross

I have found a small hair in my food at a couple fast food chains and have been unable to return because of it. I almost puked drinking coffee that was forced onto me at a client’s house because I swore I saw floaties in the cup. Pretty sure I would die after one bite of my own arm and would never be able to completely chew it off. Also, I don’t really care for meat.

5.  The Importance of “I’d Rather Chew Off My Arm Than…”

The phrase doesn’t carry much weight if I’ve already chewed off one arm. It also doesn’t seem right and will likely make people nervous and uncomfortable. I would actually have to use a new phrase, “I’d rather chew off my other arm than..” which is just going to frighten people if one has already been chewed off. At that point, it has become a threat and not just a common phrase.

Serious question:  Please answer in the comments. What are your reasons for not chewing off an arm?

And see you again next week for Stupid List Friday #2.  Suggestions are welcome.