Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch

Most everyone is raised to be respectful of their elders and for some reason this ends up being understood as let old people do whatever they want because they are old. I get it, they’ve served their time here on earth, most have worked their fingers to the bones, walked uphill both ways in two feet of snow with no shoes on carrying their 5 little brothers piggyback…they deserve respect because they have been here longer than you have and automatically had a shittier life than you.

But let’s be real. Sometimes old people are straight out asses and I think they are on purpose. They know about the respect your elders gig, and they’re cashing in on their oldness. I see you crazy old people and I’m not buying it. Sometimes you have to punch people square in the dome to get them to pay attention. Even elderly people.

1.  Bigoted old people that know better but pretend like they don’t

I’m not about to go on an anti-racism rant (been there done that) , but clearly the most racist, anti everything progressive, and everything phobic are elderly people. And it isn’t because a lot has changed since the 1900′s, it’s because people got smarter and figured out that bigotry and hate were wrong and unnecessary and decided it wasn’t acceptable anymore. Maybe it was acceptable when you were a kid, but guess what? You aren’t a kid anymore and that’s not how we roll these days. You should be punched by exactly the type of person you hate.

2.  Old people that are mean for no reason

I was in Walgreens once when an elderly person rolled in, pushing a walker with dirty tennis balls on the bottom, on a mad hunt for some discount Dove bars. Unfortunately, this particular Walgreens was out of said Dove bars and tennis ball lady proceeded to yell at everyone in Walgreens.

“I came here specifically for those Dove bars, dammit. Why don’t you have any Dove bars?”

Even when the sales clerks tried to help (and remain respectful- old person and all) the lady was still mean and actually got meaner. I wanted to not only punch her, but also bring to her attention that no one in the Walgreens would be able to shit out the Dove bars, no matter how mean she was. You know who I’m referring to here, the ones that cuss out little kids for walking in front of their houses. Uncalled for. (But funny, sometimes.)

3.  Old, touchy feely perverted elderly people

I don’t think I’ve ever met a pervy old lady but for some reason, old guys are permitted to be as nasty and perverted as they want. You know, the old guys that say nasty things to women, try to grab their asses, ask them to sit on their laps. For some reason, this behavior is laughed off by family members and even the spouse of the pervert. I don’t care how old you are, if you touch me or my kid in an inappropriate manner I’m clocking you and maybe even kicking you in your nuts also.

4.  Elderly people that know they should not be driving. anywhere.

I don’t what the problem is, but I’m pretty sure if you can barely walk, can’t see and can’t hear, you should not be driving. Also add, if you suffer from dementia and occasionally think dead people are rolling shotgun with you. Why (besides dementia) do old people, knowing full well they are not capable of driving, still insist on driving? You want to meet your maker? Fine. But let’s not take innocent bystanders along with you. Contrary to popular belief, it is not safer if you drive 10 mph about town–you don’t have to drive fast to inadvertently run someone over. This person should be punched so hard they can’t sit up to drive.

5.  Old people that argue about stuff they don’t know about 

Like the internet. Or current events. Or technology. And it doesn’t matter how many facts you give them, they’re going to argue with you and insist that you’re wrong because another old person rule (besides unlimited respect) is that since they are older, they literally know everything.  Even worse is if they are on your friends list and argue with you on “the Facebook”. A throat punch at the next family reunion will likely put an end to such craziness. Or else they’ll unfriend you and block you which is just as good.

Please note: I would never advise anyone to actually harm another person, I’m just saying if you did punch an elderly person for any of these reasons it would  totally be understandable. Also a brief warning: be prepared for the possibility that any person you punch, even if they are old, may turn around and kick your ass.

Is there any other time that would be okay to punch an elderly person?