Why I Will Probably Never Be #1 Cookie Mom

If you know me, you know these three things to always be true of me:

• I don’t like cold.
• I don’t like Walmart.
• I don’t like getting up early in the morning.

So, do you know what my idea of Hell is? Hell is standing outside of Walmart early in the morning, slinging Girl Scout cookies in below zero weather. When I volunteered, I had no idea what a painful experience this would be. I became slightly suspicious when I noticed the Girl Scout leader and her daughter snow pants-ed down. Like wearing snowmobile gear and stuff. I haven’t owned snow pants since 1st grade. If you had asked me before today whether adult sized snow pants existed, I probably would have told you no.

Please know however, that I am not a complete fool. My daughter was bundled up and I did dress accordingly in totally fashionable fleece leggings under my jeans and furry boots. Maybe not as accordingly as I should have, but not entirely ridiculously un-accordingly as it could have been. (We’re talking about me, remember.)

Did I tell you the windchill was like -20?

In fact, it was so cold that after the first hour, there began a slight hint of whimpering and sobbing.

“Why am I even in Girl Scouts…”

“I can’t feel my toes…”

“I’m so cold I think I’m going to puke…”

“I don’t even care about these stupid cookies…”

And then my daughter told me to shut up because I was embarrassing her.

Not really, it was actually her. She was literally crying, and all I could do is laugh because she was saying exactly what I was thinking. I called the Girl Scout leader at the other end of Walmart, a half hour earlier than I was supposed to and told her we were leaving.

“Can you just stay for a little longer until someone else gets here. Just take turns standing inside.”

Okay, grrrr. We started taking turns waiting inside the doors. Except that doesn’t work well because you can’t leave an 8 year old outside with a box full of money and a table full of Girl Scout cookies. Although I kind of liked the idea of a big van pulling up, snatching all of the cookies, and squealing off, I figured it probably would look bad if I were inside getting warm while it happened.

On one of my breaks, I tried to take a picture of a pay phone I found inside Walmart (because I had no idea those things even existed anymore) but the iPhone was frozen too. Luckily, my brain hadn’t completely frozen over and I was able to mentally take note of a few things for this blog post.

Such as, people say stupid shat to you when you’re selling Girl Scout cookies outside of Walmart. For example:

“Do you know, Ashley Tucker? Oh. Well  I’m going to buy cookies from her.”

What I was Thinking: Okay, you didn’t see Ashley Tucker standing here so why are you even bothering me.

“Did you know the other store lets the girls stand inside?”

What I Was Thinking: Really? Right now, I’m freezing and I have snot trying to spread all over my face. I don’t give a fack what the other store does. And by the way, do you want cookies? If not, please move along.

“I don’t carry cash. Sorry.”

What I Was Thinking: Shut up. Just shut up and go away before I am arrested outside of Walmart for curb stomping an old lady.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking there’s a happy ending to the story and when it was all said and done, I experienced a calming, satisfying feeling of good will for volunteering with the Girl Scouts.

I did not. And my girl and I pinky swore to never do anything that dumb again.

Ever.

What I learned:  Very few things are worth dying for. Make sure you are aware of how dangerous the mission is before accepting.