Bitchery Triad : 5 Things You Should Never Say to Me

Well, it’s been a while since we wrote the super popular Bitchery Triad post, 5 Reasons I’m Smoking Hot and You Can’t Have Any, but we’re back together like the Spice Girls only way hotter and more bitchassery, to rock another triad blog post.

This topic comes to you courtesy of the Cheese Queen Cari, who busted out a list of topics for us like it was her job.  And yeah, ladies, thanks for the support which came in the form of:

Me:  I only have one thing for the blog post. I can’t think of anything else.

Cari: I bet you don’t even have one thing.

Marjorie:  Yeah, I bet you have no thing. Are you drunk? Lay off the booze, alkie.

Someone (Marjorie the Genius) also suggested outlining first.  Yeah, because outlining nothing is better than just having nothing. But anywho.

5 Things You Should Never Say to Me Unless You Want a Throat Punch

And even if you don't say any of these things to me, I'd totally do this because it's funny

1.  Studies Have Shown…

Bloggers, writers and people who fancy themselves to be great debaters often use the phrase “studies have shown” to prove a point that is usually incorrect. All this does is make me think you are a moron and that you also think I am a moron and it forces me to ask you to show me these ridiculous studies you are quoting. Don’t say it unless you can back it up with an actual study and if you use “studies” that means more than one. Otherwise, you may as well just tell me your mom told you. I’d believe that. Moms don’t lie.

2.  I Feel Like a Single Mom…

Sometimes I feel like a piece of wood. It doesn’t make me a piece of wood. You can’t feel like a single mom. You either are one or you are not. Being a single mother means not only that we are parenting alone but we are also lacking support financially and emotionally. There is no one here to tell us it will be okay. There is usually not anyone helping with the bills and bringing home the bacon. (Not that I’m complaining. I’m fine, thank you.) But, you cannot feel like a single mom and if you’re using this expression simply because your husband works a lot, I may punch you in your gut and your throat.

3.  You’re Next

I don’t want to be next for anything unless we’re talking about winning the lottery.  If I am next, I inadvertently got in the wrong line and will be hopping out as soon as I figure out what’s going on. I am probably least likely to be “next” so please go cast your evil curseryness on someone else.

You're Next Fool

4.  I Know Why You’re Single

No, you don’t. There’s no way you can know exactly why I’m single and I will bet money that any reason you give me is going to piss me off. Unless your reason is “because you’re too smart and awesome to settle” I would advise against speculating on my singleness. You are bitter, you must have been hurt, you must be really picky, you must hate men, you must be a lesbian, you only like bad guys, or you are too independent are all terribly wrong and dangerous answers.

5. I Hope It Snows

Even now that winter is gone and it is SPRING, people are still hoping it frickin snows. I actually hope it never snows again. Ever. Even in the winter time and at Christmas. For some reason though, there are people in Minnesota that love that stuff and are praying for it. I work with one such person who is STILL hoping for snow and talking about snowmobiling and blah blah blah. You mean to tell me you’re praying for the rest of us to be miserable just so you can drive a kiddie sled through the snow for a little while? If you pray for snow, I’m going to cancel out your request by praying that God doesn’t listen to you. Specifically, dear God, do not listen to that fool.

Let’s hear it…5 things that should never, ever be said to you…

5 Things You Should Never Say to Marjorie

5 Things You Should Never Say to Cari

And also check out the new Bitchery Triad Facebook Page. LIKE us, you know you want to.

Also On Twitter

@MarjorieMcatee

@BubblegumCari

@Cmajaski