How to Make Your Kid Quit the Piano Without Screaming My Ears My Ears

I bet you’ve been wondering if I still have a child, since I only vlog weird anti blogger videos and harass weathermen for Stupid Friday. Well, never fear, I am still a mother and the daughter is still hanging around. Luckily, she hasn’t run away from home yet. She is a trooper.

In fact, she just banged out Phantom of the Opera and some beach song at her 4^th piano recital. The piano recital which lasted for an hour and a half and was comprised of children from the ages of too-little-to-play-the-damn-piano to 6^th grade painstakingly playing tunes whose titles I recognized but for some reason never heard before.

I honestly sat there thinking man, these kids suck. They should quit. Why doesn’t someone tell these kids that piano is not for them? Why don’t they try the tuba or something? What about soccer? I bet he’s good at soccer. How come my kid is the only one that can play the piano?

Hate me if you want to. You know those school programs are painful. No one wants to watch an hour of everyone else’s kids trying to do something they aren’t good at. I am not the only person that wants to see my kid do her thing and then leave. Am I? In fact someone did leave after their kid played and they were only second in line, so they weren’t even trying to pretend like they were interested in everyone else. It’s okay, I was not mad at them. I was however, quite perturbed by the boy next to me that decided to loudly crackle 3 packs of M&M candies. And yes, I gave him the stop making all of that damn racket face because dammit, if I have to sit through an hour and a half of torturous piano music that sounds like a bunch of NOTHING, then you, little M&M boy are going to also.

We can't all be pianists. Some of us have to be soccer players.

So for you parents that figured out that your child shouldn’t be playing the piano, (and based on my calculations, there are at least 30 of you) here’s my advice for making your kid quit piano or anything else they are not good at:

1. Tell them that you could tell by the way they played the Pirate Song that they would totally kick ass at soccer.
2. Tell them that there is only enough room for 5 pianists in the world and they happened to be the 6^th one.
3. Tell them the story about the Little Engine that Could but instead of “I think I can I think I can”, tell them the engine figured out it couldn’t play the piano very well and quit.
4. Tell them that they were so much better than all of the other pianists, they have to quit until the rest catch up to their skill level.
5. Tell them that once they are 8 (or whatever age they are) piano is only for blind people and then show them a picture of Stevie Wonder as proof.

This here is what we call a win-win situation. You don’t have to hurt your kid’s feelings and none of us have to sit through the monstrosity of what you call piano music.  Maybe you believe you should keep telling them they’re fantastic but like my mom told me when I tried to rap “that’s just dumb”.

What do you think? Tough love or keep believing they’ll end up on American Idol one day?