The Girl Scout Crossing Over Ceremony May Have Damaged Me More Than Selling Cookies

By Solitary Mama On 2012/05/31 · 17 Comments · In Awesome Parenting Advice, Boring Parenting Stuff, I Don't Know Where Else to Put This, You're Not Going to Believe This Ish

I’ve been slacking so much on the parenting part of the blog that I thought I should probably update you all on how kick ass I am as a mother and even moreso, how kick ass my kid is at being a kid. The whole post should actually be just me typing over and over “We are kick ass .” I might even vlog my daughter saying that. No, I won’t. She isn’t allowed to vlog yet.

First of all, you may or may not remember the Girl Scout Cookie Selling Hell Adventure that occurred over the winter. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not really a fan of Girl Scouts. In fact, I agreed to it because my daughter, after 4 years of piano lessons, decided playing the piano was borrring. So, I bribed her into staying in piano, by letting her become a Girl Scout. After finding out there was no troop available for her age next year, I figured I’d only have to do this one year and by then I’d have something else that is actually fun to bribe her with.

Wrong. I found out recently that the GS Leader (who is a fantastic mom/GS Leader, by the way) contacted the Superty Duperty Important and Goddammit Why Me Why Me Association and since my daughter is so advanced in Girl Scoutery she will get to skip a Girl Scout Level and move with her troop into Juniors next year. ¹

Yay. What? “Oh, that’s nice. I’ll talk to her and see if that’s what she wants to do..”

“She does! I already asked her!”

Yay again. What in the heezy just happened.

Phase One of Girl Scout Crossing Over Ceremony Torture: The Potluck

I forgot from the 10 year sentence I served in the Girl Scouts myself about potlucks and crossing over ceremonies, (which incidentally have nothing to do with becoming a lesbian or dying.) I need to write up a blog post about how much I loathe potlucks but for now I’ll just say we should really consider arresting and prosecuting people that organize potlucking. I mean, just call it what it is. Murder by salmonella. One of these days, it will be illegal and deemed hazardous to your health to take part in one of these germ fests and mommies and grandmas will have to resort to smuggling their crockpots to underground locations.

I happened to have personally observed at this particular event at least 5 suspicious looking plastic bowls of mushy taco salads and 3 crockpots of barbecued weenies. I am pretty sure everyone else was jealous that I purchased and brought 12 jumbo cookies from Perkins in the Perkins box.

In fact, I did not tell anyone what I brought to the potluck but when my sister saw the cookie on my daughter’s plate she said “Let me guess. Your mom brought Perkins cookies.” And my kid smiled like she won an award.

That, my friends, is how you keep shit real.

So the Girl Scout Potluck is moving along swellingly until the Girl Scout Leader and the other girl’s mom in the troop are discussing how their kids don’t want to be in Girl Scouts next year, but they are forcing them.

Probably not the best time for me to interject “Wow, really? Because my kid actually wants to be in Girl Scouts, but I was hoping she would quit.”

Cue the cricket chirping. “Hahaha….That was frickin hilarious!” said by no one.

Phase II of Girl Scout Ceremony Torturing: The Crossing Over

The Bridge to Oh My God Is This Over Yet

This part was just boring and I realized that some of these parents take things way too seriously. I’m not down with ceremonial things that don’t really mean anything. I also want to add that I have yet to see one person look attractive or cute in those Girl Scout uniforms. Not quite sure what we are trying to teach our kids here, except that looking like a dork will get you a bunch of useless badges. Also, they should reconsider announcing that the girls get thousands of dollars from the millions of dollars worth of cookies sold. *cough* racket. hustle. *cough*….I haven’t heard of such an imbalanced business plan since the last kitchenware party I attended.

Phase III of Girl Scout Ceremony Torturing: The Friendship Circle

This was probably the least torturous because you actually got to make a wish. Everyone crossed their arms and held hands and chanted some kind of Girl Scout promise. Then, they were supposed to squeeze the hand of the person next to them so they could make a wish and pass it on also. And then, rainbows shot straight out everyone’s asses and we all got a free pony. Wheeee….

Actually, some of that didn’t happen. I did make like 5 extra wishes and squeezed my sister’s hand hella hard for effect because if someone tells me I get to make a wish and doesn’t state a clear limit to the wishery, I’m going balls to the wall on wishing. ²

If you are guessing I wished 5 times that my kid would quit Girl Scouts, you are right and my wish may even come true in a completely horrific and agricultural way.

I bet I know what's worse than Girl Scouts.

Be aware that this part here is highly embellished. ↩
That may not be an appropriate phrase here. ↩

Happy 2012: Guess What Suckas Now It's the End of the World

Stupid List Friday: 5 Types of Old People You Can Probably Punch

Stupid List Friday : How to Make the Woman You Like Hate You

Tagged with: 4H • Crossing Over Ceremony • Girl Scouts • Please quit Girl Scouts and play Soccer

http://twitter.com/daharaDreams Jen

Lady. I was eating as I read Part I. Your badge for the night is “Gack Queen”.

Also, I wished all the wishes I could wish while reading this article and eating my peanut butter toast that I almost chugged back up (see aforementioned Part I) that my daughter never, ever hears of The Girl Scouts. And that there’s an AA chapter in my area if she does.

(my almost-apologies for the inconsiderate commentary)

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

Maybe I should warn people not to eat when they read this stuff.

http://www.scarletwonderland.com/ Scarlett

LOL Christina I feel your pain. Our version of Girl Scouts is “Brownies” – which I was asked to leave when I was 9. When I asked my Mum why she said they didn’t think I was “Brownie Material”… she was one of the lucky one x

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

HA! I think it’s probably worse if you get kicked out than if you quit. That has to be traumatic for a little kid hahahah

http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

I have a better idea. Make the kid start her own bake goods company – which is the essence of Girl scouts. I’ve never saw the results of the Girl Scout cookie sales. Somewhere there is an airport full of private planes bought with money from thin mints. Put “a badge” in he price of the cookies, and she’ll have more badges than the California Highway Patrol. I <3 New York and Hard Rock Cafe Orlando badges are much cooler than the one you get for sewing a pouch to put all the cookie money in!

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

That would be a great idea if it didn’t mean we had to BAKE and work the oven thingy. I am going to make her some Hard Rock Cafe Orlando badges. Maybe that will be the new vlog.

http://twitter.com/BeautyNthaBook Beauty&TheBooks

”
And then, rainbows shot straight out everyone’s asses and we all got a free pony. Wheeee….” lmao. literally. And it’s those store bought cookies that keep people like me from starving at potlucks!

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

It was a magical experience to everyone except me I guess. And yes, I’d totally eat all of the store bought stuff. Just seems safer.

http://www.susannagrace.com/ Susanna Grace

Amen
sister! The only thing that got me through my daughters’ meetings was the fact
that we had the kind of leaders who would regularly report about the required leader
retreats by saying things like “naturally, we were the hottest ones
there.” Also, other parents were regularly invited to their planning
sessions, which often took place over martinis.

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

Whut? Where the hell is that troop

http://www.atlanticwebworks.com/ Kristen Daukas

OMG.. I’m so glad ours aren’t like this. We actually have our bridging ceremony this Sunday and have deviated from the “norm” and will be doing it at my BFFs house (who’s a leader). Instead of crossing over the bridge, they’ll be going down the slide into the pool.. With an after party, of course. On the other hand, I have a boat-load of posts waiting to be written for how BAD my oldest daughters former troop was…. Maybe after the Sliding Ceremony I’ll get on that..

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

Pool and after party, huh. How do we get into that troop

http://twitter.com/bubblegumcari Cari Wegner

Well, my kid begged to be in girl scouts this year and told me she doesn’t want to do it next year. I was surprised, and relieved quite honestly. She was technically supposed to be a Daisy this year, but was allowed into the Brownie troop because otherwise there were like hella hoops which involved me becoming a leader…and let’s just say, that wasn’t happening. Maybe I can get my kid to talk to your kid and pull some of that peer pressure stuff?

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

Oh so yours is advanced in Girl Scoutery too. That’s how mine ended up being in Juniors next year. And yeah, totally gonna peer pressure her into quitting.

http://www.toothygrinsstore.com/HydroFloss-p/hydrofloss01.htm Toothy Grins

That was hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh on a boring Tuesday afternoon before a potentially frightening doctor’s appointment.

http://www.solitarymama.com/ Christina Majaski

Hope everything goes well. Thanks for stopping by.

SMCMomma

Thank you – thank you – thank you!!!! You just put down on paper ALL the things that I have been thinking! Someone shared with my your cookie story on FB because I am unwilling to sell this weekend outside in 15 degrees!!!