People that Probably Died In the Parade After I Left

It’s been too long.

But, you know what makes me write like a worm crawled into my underwear? Getting a text message from a friend that says “Why are there no new posts on your blog?!?!”

So thank you, friend for being my worm. ¹

In order to come up with anything somewhat entertaining (may as well say it is because you don’t get any money back here) I have to backtrack to the 4th of the July. I don’t usually do much for the 4th of July besides watch fireworks and for the most part, I wish I didn’t have to do that either. Call me Scroogery McScroogery but add fireworks to the list of things I only keep doing because I have a kid–which is pretty much everything except sleeping.

Also for some strange reason, fireworks look similar every year and have every year of my 30 something years of watching them. I cannot think of any show that was memorable or that would look any different than the ones on television if we just stayed home.

Sort of like Mount Rushmore. That’s exactly what my brother looked at me and said during one of our family trips as children. “What’s the big deal. It looks exactly like it does on tv.”

This year though I got fancy and went to a parade on the fourth with my sister and her boys, during a record breaking heat wave that resulted in hundreds of people passing out on the curb with their faces sucked dead up to their skulls. ²

It was so hot…

I made a list of people that probably died in the parade after I left:

1. Two Batmans. One on each side of the street. If I ever give anyone any advice for surviving in desert conditions it would be DO NOT WEAR BLACK RUBBER SUITS.  Pretty sure both of them died and it wasn’t worth it. The parade had no superhero batman theme, so they dressed up like that and died for no reason. Plus my nephew totally yelled that dude wasn’t the real Batman.

He’d still be our favorite Batman if he would’ve stayed out of the parade.

2. The Entire Band. I saw at least  4 large groups of chubby people wearing way too many clothes, marching in the parade. Be mad at me if you want, but chubby + wool/polyester + blowing or yelling in something + 400 degrees hot = well, it was nice knowing you but if you’re going to do that, we’re going to let your little brother sit in your spot at the table from now on.

3. The Bingo Truck. I am pretty sure if you are over 75 you are not supposed to be AT the parade when it is over 100 degrees out, let alone IN the parade. That truck full of Bingo players was toast. Old people toast. Literally.

4. At Least 3 Horses. I know I said people, but nowadays we count horses too and I saw a horse in the parade laying in the street with his hooves in the air. When I walked up to him to make sure he was okay, he said “Gimme those damn freezies, biznatch and find me a super soaker.”

The only reason we survived was because about a third of the way through the parade the kids begged to go home. They didn’t even want anymore candy. And who can blame them, it was hot and people were winging tootsie rolls and frisbees at their heads. But then we all went to Culver’s and had ice cream and lived happily ever after and I think it all taught the kids a very valuable lesson:

You don’t win, if you die in the parade.

And also, yay ice cream.

What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen in the heat?